siblings – Family Foxhole

Foxhole Advice: I hate babysitting!

Posted on February 13, 2019January 6, 2019 by Rebecca

Dear Family Foxhole,

My mom is a single mom, and she asks me to do a lot of babysitting of my younger brother. I am 12 and he is 8. I really don’t want to do this job, but I feel bad telling her that. She works four days each week until 5:30, which means I have to babysit for two hours after school, plus on Saturday mornings from when I wake up until noon.

How do I get out of this?

Reluctant Sitter

Dear Reluctant,

You probably can’t get out of helping your mom in some way, but maybe babysitting isn’t the only way to do it. Can you ask her if there is some other chore you can do that would get you out of this one? But beware: you could end up doing something you like even less!

Mr. Prickles

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Dear Reluctant,

Would you like babysitting more if it were a job? Ask your mom to pay you. After all, in just two years, you’ll be old enough to get a job as a dishwasher or bagger at a grocery store and that will take up your time and force your mom to pay someone else to do this job.

But it could be that she can’t pay you. If you ask her, she might feel embarrassed if her answer has to be “no.” Are you ready to hear that? If you suspect that is the case, ask her to pay you in something other than money, like pushing your bedtime back a bit or buying your favorite cereal or tea or something else that she’d already be buying.

Lamb

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Dear Reluctant,

There may not be much that either you or your mother can do to change the situation. If your mother has to work, she needs childcare. And if she doesn’t have the money to pay you, then she doesn’t.

But a family isn’t a business. We care for each other because we are family, not because it’s our job. Your mom cares for you for free, and I’ll bet that there are even ways that your younger brother contributes to your happiness and care, too. Try to reframe this from being a chore to being a responsibility that you take on as a contributing part of your family. It’s a lesson in maturity. Most of adulthood is doing stuff like this, and those adults who embrace these tasks as part of their life, rather than a disruption to it, are happier.

Experiment with ways to make this more fun. Can you take your brother out of the house to the library or playground? Can you work with him to set some homework goals that can help him improve his grades? Forget for a bit that you are 12 and go enjoy the things you did when you were 8–playing with action figures or playing imagination games. No one else is watching, so get silly, And pass along the things you like to him. Teach him wiffle ball or how to make a frosting rose or whatever it is you do. Give him time on his own, too, to play or read or watch some TV, but if you can see this time together as precious (You’ll be working an after school job before you know it!), you might just come to enjoy it!

Honey

Foxhole Advice: Worries about Mom and Baby’s Health

Posted on February 6, 2019 by Rebecca

Dear Family Foxhole,

I’ve been an only child for 12 years now but that will all end this summer when my mother has a baby. I’m excited for her because she and my stepdad have been wanting to have a child for a few years now but weren’t able to get pregnant. Now that my mom is pregnant, I’m worried that the baby will be sick or have some other health problem or that my mom will die during pregnancy or childbirth. I know that these aren’t realistic concerns in the modern day USA, but I’m still worried and now I feel guilty about being worried because I don’t want to make my mom worried.

Worried

Dear Worried,

Trust me, your mom is already thinking about how to make sure that she and your new sibling are healthy! She is eating healthy, taking prenatal vitamins, and seeing her doctor regularly to monitor her and the baby’s health.

But you are right to be concerned. Even with modern medicine, people get sick, and accidents happen that affect our bodies. I say this not to scare you but to affirm that it’s both common and reasonable to have some worries about pregnancy.

You might not get over your worries between now and the arrival of the baby, but you can minimize them. Some ideas:

Talk to your health teacher, tour the hospital, or interview a midwife (who delivers babies), doula (who assists in the delivery, focusing on the mother), or obstetric (baby-delivery) nurse. You probably have some school project that you could use as an excuse to do this.

Ask your mom and stepdad to sign you up for a babycare/babysitting/child first aid class. The Red Cross in many towns offers these classes, and if you take them, you can charge people more for your babysitting services in the future!

Spend some time with people who have disabilities and people who love people with disabilities. Often times our worry with pregnancy is that something will be “wrong” with the baby and the baby will be born with an unusual physical feature, like cleft palate or spina bifida. Even though some of these physical features make life more challenging, there is no “wrong” way to have a human body!

Honey

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Dear Worried,

I’ll be blunt: If you are worried about what would happen in the worst case scenario, ask your mother and stepdad what their plan would be in that case. It is not “bad luck” to think about how our lives would change if our loved ones died. In fact, your mom and stepdad have probably already thought about it and maybe just didn’t tell you. Ask them directly:

Who would you live with if your mother died?
Would your biological father take custody of you, or would you keep living with your stepdad?
If your biological father took custody, would you still be able to see your stepdad and his side of the family?
If the plan is that you would stay with your stepdad, has your mother done the paperwork to make sure that would happen?
Would you keep living in this house and going to the same school, or would your stepdad want to move you closer to other members of your family?
Would a grandparent or aunt or uncle come to live in your house to help take care of the baby? If your stepfather remarried, would you still get to live with him?
What kind of person would your mother want to your stepdad to remarry if she died?

Ask them if they have all this in writing (a will), who their lawyer is, where the will is located, and who is the executor (the person who makes sure it is being carried out). If they tell you that you are being nosy, tell them that you are just being responsible. Maybe find some horrible cases of child custody battles on the internet to prove that they need to be prepared.

Mr. Prickles

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Dear Worried,

I like to drive my worries away with crafting. When you are focusing on something fun and positive, it’s harder to worry. Here are some fun ones:

Get the baby’s room ready! Paint the walls, the ceilings, the trim. Make a stencil or a stamper and go to town!

Make a baby quilt or crochet a baby blanket.

Give one of your favorite stuffed animals a makeover (wash, brush, fluff, stuff, and repair any holes) for the baby.

Once you know the name of the baby, make a collage of items for each letter. (If his name is “Tiger,” you’d make a collage of items starting with T, one starting with I, one starting with G, etc.) THEN cut each collage into the shape of that letter and paste it to a canvas. Hang it on the baby’s door.

Keep a diary of your own feelings that you can share with the baby one day.

Write letters to the baby, each with a different focus. (“Our family history,” “The town where you were born,” “What I think life will be like when you are 12”). Seal them in envelopes and write a future date on them when you think the baby should open them.

Make the pages of a baby book. Make a page where you can record his birthday, weight, and length. Make a page where you mom and stepdad can write down the story of his birth (when she went into labor, how long it took, etc.), Make pages where you will stick pictures of the baby’s first bath, first haircut, first tooth, etc.

Eek! All of these ideas make me so excited for you! Crafting for babies is so fun!

Lamb

Foxhole Advice: I want my own room!

Posted on January 23, 2019 by Rebecca

Dear Family Foxhole,

There are three kids in our family: my brother (15), me (a girl, aged 8), and my other brother (age 5). I have to share a room with my little brother. He is so messy! How can I convince my mom and dad to give me my own room?

The Princess living in a Pigpen

Dear Princess,

I feel your pain. This is my reality, with some differences in ages.

Ask your parents for a solution. Make it the only thing you ask for for Christmas and your birthday. Stress that it is the numero uno thing you want in the entire world.

Offer suggestions.

Can they turn a room into the basement into a Teen Cave for your older brother? (It will have to have a window he can use as an exit in case of a fire. And put in a radon detector.) Could they turn a room over the garage into a living space for him? Even if it’s just during the summer (since he might get cold out there otherwise)? He’d love to be a little farther away from you all anyway.

Is there a formal dining room that you don’t use anyway? Or an office that a parent is hogging?

Or can you share custody of the little brother? Even if you just didn’t have to have him over the summers, that would be an improvement.

Lamb

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Dear Princess,

Your share a room because you live in a three bedroom house, which means that two kids have to share a room. It can be you and Older Brother (OB), you and Little Brother (LB), or LB and OB. Those are the only options, mathematically speaking.

Your parents probably have some good reason for this decision. Your older brother probably stays up later and gets up earlier than your littler one. In three years, your older brother will likely be out of the house anyway, so it is nice for him to have his own space now. After he leaves, you’ll have your own room between ages 11 and 18. Freedom is coming!

Mr. Prickles

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Dear Princess,

This is hard! It sounds like you might not be able to get your own room. So how can you make this one more livable for yourself?

First, ask for help. Since you are graciously sharing space (and I do encourage you to stop complaining about having to share if there is no other option), ask the people who aren’t sharing space to help make it an easier situation for you. Maybe have a rotation of who will help keep your little brother’s mess to a minimum. It could be a daily rotation or a weekly one (like, this week your mother will be in charge, but next week your father will). Just because you share a room with your little brother doesn’t mean you have to clean up his messes–or have to live with them!

Second, find ways that you can make the space your own AND ways you can enjoy the space together. If you both like art, for example, you could set up an easel in one corner. Maybe you like the same color scheme for the paint and curtains, or maybe you like the same music on your alarm clock. Enjoy having those things in common. And make some space just for you–for example, with a special set of sheets or a bulletin board of your favorite photos. If you need some separate space, see if your parents will let you make a little “nest” in the bottom of your closet with some big floor pillows and a flashlight. Or make a canopy for your bed by throwing sheer curtains over a hulu hoop and suspending it horizontally from the ceiling. We did this for Lamb and Banana’s bedroom a few years ago, and it gave Lamb some daily privacy. If you want to “princess it up,” wind fake flowers and LED lights around the hoop, too, and hang it from a fancy plant hook using a few feet of tulle. Glue on some sparkles. Build a second one in your little brother’s favorite color so he leaves yours alone.

Third, remember that your little brother might not want this situation either. He probably has hopes and dreams for his bedroom that aren’t getting fulfilled because he shares it with you. Maybe he’s as disappointed to be living with a princess as you are to be living with a pig! Try to remember that your way of doing this might be as upsetting to him as his is to you.

Finally, focus on the good parts about sharing a room. Does this mean you get bunk beds? If so, you can work together to turn your bed into a fort or a submarine or an underground bunker. You have someone to snuggle with if you have a bad dream.

Honey