This post is part of a short series about having a happy holiday. It’s inspired by questions posted in my parent support group, shared here with permission and without identifying details. If you have a question–or a solution to one!–to share, let me know.
Here is today’s question, plus some follow-ups:
I’m at a loss when it comes to host/hostess gifts. Can you offer some suggestions?
A host/hostess gift thanks someone for their hospitality–their invitation for you to join them in their home, which is an act of vulnerability and generosity. We recognize their efforts in preparing their home, making food, and ensuring our comfort and safety with a small gift.
A good host/hostess gift is one that
- is sincerely given
- isn’t so expensive as to be a burden to you or an embarrassment to the recipient
- is for the host/hostess only, to be given to them without expectation that they share it with the group
- is never a criticism or suggests that they might not be prepared (for example, handing them a bottle of wine or a serving utensil and saying, “This is in case you don’t have enough”)
- does not presume a level of intimacy that doesn’t exist between you (for example, no personal care items unless you know the person very well)
- is not something to be displayed unless, again, you know them very well–and even then, is small (like a Christmas ornament)
- is typically consumable, so they can use it, share it, or regift it easily
Some gifts are best if you know the person very well, while others are suitable even if it’s your first time in someone’s home. Here are our favorites to give and receive:
- higher-end nuts, chocolates, or candies–nicer than what is typically at your grocery store
- cut flowers already in a vase–better if it’s a pretty one you score from a thrift store rather than one from the floral department of the grocery store
- old-fashioned holiday candies, like ribbon candies
- a small fruit basket (Kumquats are a favorite to share!)
- a 0 proof wine or apéritif if you don’t know if they consume alcohol or a bottle of wine or liqueur if you know that they do
- a 4- or 6-pack of fun sodas
- a box of fancy tea or pound of fancy coffee
- a locally made favorite: pfeffernüsse, pecans or chestnuts from a local orchard, popcorn from local growers
- if they aren’t from around where they live, a favorite from where they’re from. Someone once sent me grilled stickies from Ye Old College Diner (RIP) in State College, Pennsylvania, while I lived far away, and they will be mentioned in my obituary.
Above, a dessert that you didn’t know you needed. Be a pal and order some for the central Pennsylvanians you love who are far from home.
If you know someone well, you can consider:
- one more item in a series of something that they collect (book, kitchen tool, refrigerator magnet)
- a framed photo of people or a place they love–maybe even with them in it!
- a houseplant, including a cutting from one of yours
- an amaryllis, small pointsettia, or other holiday-specific plant
- a jar of jam or bottle of real maple syrup
- an ingredient they’d enjoy cooking with but aren’t likely to already own (specialty flour, high-end spice)
- something homemade: a spice blend, a jar of salsa, your famous hot sauce, a table runner, potpourri that you made, dried flowers, a bottle of homemade Irish cream
- something small that you noticed them enjoying in a previous encounter–like a magnet from your visit to the art museum, a small kitchen tool of yours that they complimented when they visited you
I prefer not to receive a hostess gift. How do I tell people not to bring one?
It is good that people desire to express their appreciation for your work as host, so be sure you have a significant reason for saying no, one that doesn’t dismiss their appreciation (“It’s no big deal to host!”) or insult them (“I already have enough junk in my house and don’t need more!”). If you do have a good reason and if you know someone well, you can tell them that you prefer for them to say thanks with words, not a gift. If you don’t know someone well, let them bring you a gift.
If you receive a gift you don’t want, say “Thank you!” without lying that it’s perfect or that you love it or that it’s thoughtful. Then, give it away. Drop it off in your local neighborhood sharing box (“Blessing Box,” in some communities), advertise it for free on Facebook Marketplace (setting the settings so that your friends can’t see it), put it in the common area at your workplace with a sign that says “free,” or regift it to your child’s teacher, your church secretary, the janitor at work, your mail carrier, your garbarge collector, etc. Even if you are irritated that you received a gift you didn’t want, sharing a gift is a chance for you to think about the people in your life who would enjoy it, which is a good practice!
How do I handle a hostess gift that is clearly intended to be shared with the group?
If you want to share it, share it. If you don’t–maybe because it’s alcohol and this event is alcohol-free or because you have the perfect menu planned and this item interrupts it–say, “Thank you! I’m going to go put this away to enjoy later.” If the item is clearly for the moment–like a pan of dinner rolls or a pie–just say, “Thank you! I’m going to put this in the freezer so we can enjoy it later.” When you do enjoy it later, send them a text thanking them for it.
I think this is an important practice because some people really struggle not to impose their food on your menu. Whether this is because they are controlling or because they like helping (remembering that “helping is often the sunny side of control”), it’s a bad habit, and you shouldn’t cater to it.
Is it okay to regift a hostess gift?
Gifts are meant to be enjoyed, so if passing one along is how you enjoy, that’s just great! Just be sure that 1. the giver won’t see you do it, 2. the recipient is likely to enjoy it, and 3. you remove any indicators that it is a regift. Then, give it away while enjoying the idea of it being appreciated by someone else.
