This post is part of a short series about having a happy holiday, one where you aren’t exhausted by or resentful of the work needed, everyone gets to participate in ways that satisfy, and your values and traditions–and effort and money–are respected. It’s inspired by questions posted my parent support group, shared here with permission and without identifying details. If you have a question–or a solution to one!–to share, let me know.
In this post, we’re sharing challenges we’ve faced in creating a happy Thanksgiving, Christmas, or other major holiday, in hopes that others can benefit from our experiences. We’re drawing on our childhood and adult experiences, with a focus on the diverse needs of guests and the challenges of helping everyone, regardless of age, having a fun time.
Here’s today’s challenge:
While typically a normal human being, my mother is highly stressed when hosting and passes that along to others. It’s clear that she doesn’t enjoy hosting events, but she also won’t let anyone else take over the duties. We dread going to her house for the holidays. She works through the entire event, but instead of feeling cared for, we feel like we’re a burden. For example, last year, she whisked away my dessert plate while I was still eating my pie! We’re not allowed to eat in the dining room because she got new carpet in it 15 years ago and doesn’t want stains on it, so we end up perched on couches and folding chairs throughout the house, and then she’s anxious that we’re going to spill our food there, too. Instead of eating, she walks around with a Dustbuster in her hand sweeping up crumbs. It’s misery.
Graciously remember that many generations of women likely faced (and saw their mothers face) a lot of judgment about being an “angel of the house,” and they have internalized it–and may also externalize it by being judgmental about other women’s performances of hosting. But the reality is that it’s hard to be gracious to a Thankzilla when she’s raging against both internalized sexism and her guests, even if that rage is the quiet seething of someone who is unloading the dishwasher that you loaded after the dishes have been through the wash cycle, rinsing them, and then reloading it and re-starting the entire dishwasher process because, without her supervision, you surely did not properly scrape and rinse the dishes before loading the dishwasher in the first place. (Ooops. I think we’ve touched a nerve here for me!)
Yeah, it’s hard to be the object of resentment while also being seen as too incompetent to perform any tasks that would lighten her burden.
While I’m not recommending Bad Moms, Christine Baranaski’s character is the epitome of a controlling, insecure mom at the holidays. My favorite line is when she tells her adult daughter “Moms don’t ENjoy; they GIVE joy. That’s how being a mom works and this hideous tree does not give joy to anybody.”
There is no solving her problem, unfortunately, because if you do manage to get her to release control, she will feel guilty about enjoying her day; her anxiety and resentment are, to her, measures of her success; she cannot fathom that she did a good job unless she feels like she is suffering.
The only way to win at this game is not to play. So, to that extent:
- drop the holiday gathering from your rotation of times when you see her. You can see her at a time when the pressure is lower on her, creating a new tradition at a different time of year. You can celebrate a holiday that you love in a way that makes sense for your family. Yes, this will hurt her feelings, but you can say honestly, “I want something different from my Thanksgiving than we’re able to do together, so our family won’t be coming this year. We’d love to do X [a luminary walk at the arboretum, attend the town Thanksgiving Day parade, attend a performance of Amahl and the Night Visitors, participate in the Audubon Society’s annual bird count, sing in the community choir’s performance of Handel’s Messiah, etc.] with you instead.” Be clear that it’s not a scheduling issue as she’ll try to solve it, which only kicks the problem down the road.
- host the event. If she asks how she can help, give her a specific task that she will actually enjoy, along with a compliment about it; the key here is that it has to have some level of challenge to it so it will help dissipate her anxious energy. (“You always make the best pumpkin roll! Would you like to make one for the event?” “The kids love your cookies! Could you bake sugar cookies for the kids to decorate, with your help, after the meal while I do the dishes? I’ll bring the icing and the decorations if you bake them.” “We’d like to take a family photo. Could you find a photographer and schedule them for a mini-session at our house? And let everyone know to come dressed for photos. We’ll pay, and the budget is XXX.” “You set such a beautiful table! Could you bring a centerpiece?”)
- offer to host, but shift to a nice restaurant, and pay for her meal without telling her the cost. Tell her that it’s a thank you for all the times she’s hosted. If she complains that it costs too much to eat out, tell her, “You’re worth every penny!” Tip the waitstaff HUGELY and, again, don’t tell your mother/MIL. And if she says that she’ll tip them, let her, but them tip them again anyway because they deserve a huge tip at a holiday and probably had to absorb your mother/MIL’s anxious energy and criticism too.
- if she insists on hosting, suggest a breakfast or dessert event, which will limit the amount of time spent together, or quickly transition from a meal to something outdoors, like a family walk at a local county park or volunteering at a soup kitchen, so that time spent in her home is limited.
- if she hosts, remember that you don’t have to attend or stay very long. You can enjoy as much of the day as you enjoy, then leave. Or you can even make plans to leave early because of another event, like volunteering or visiting a shut-in friend or relative. Drive separately from your partner if needed to ensure a quick getaway.
- if she hosts and you choose to participate, ask early how you can help, then do that thing early, giving her updates once it’s done so that her anxiety about whether you are going to deliver is soothed (“I made the cheese balls last weekend, and they’re in the freezer, just waiting for the big day!”) If you live nearby, offer to drop food or other items off early, like the day before, so she can organize them as she pleases. When en route, call and ask if she needs any last minute items, like additional ice or more butter or a box of plastic flatware, which shows that you understand the stress of hosting.
Also, bring a hostess gift that she will actually enjoy–cut flowers already in a vase, a little plant, some pretty stationary, a favorite candy. When you arrive, take her aside and give it to her, letting her know that it’s just for her, to be opened whenever she likes. If she wants to share the box of chocolates or bottle of wine with everyone, that’s up to her, but it should be something that demonstrates that you know her well and appreciate her. Because, even when she’s melting down because someone has violated an unspoken rule, you actually do appreciate her. At least, on other days.
Have a question, challenge, or piece of advice to share about how to enjoy holidays? Please share it!
